“They are coming, they are coming”, the shrieks of joy resounded in the air from outside the palace. The drums rolled and the conches called out relentlessly, belting out sounds that lifted the hearts of the kingdom’s subjects. Weeks of excited anticipation had passed and the time for unbridled celebration had finally arrived. Excited screams and shouts were heard on the streets as courtiers distributed new clothing and sweetmeats to the poor, hawkers roamed the lanes selling oil-lamps and incense with knowing grins and extra-loud voices and giggling girls crowded in street-corners only to be shooed back to their housework by their mothers. The air in the marketplace was infused with scents of fresh cardamom, clarified butter and caramelised jaggery.
While the people of Ayodhya geared themselves for feasting and festivity, upstairs in the small room of the women’s wing, Urmila forced herself to lie down on the hard bed, unable to control herself. There she lay – the petite damsel looking pale in her turmeric yellow sari draped around her thin and bony body with absolutely no jewellery adorning her except for the gold-star ring on the third finger of her right hand. Her eyes – slightly reddish reflected her childlike innocence as she blinked rapidly so as to not let any more tears flow down. Light wrinkles had made lines on her otherwise clean face but only those close to her would be able to spot them. Those away from her wouldn’t be able to see the reality of her life.
“14 years”, she said to herself. She didn’t know what emotions to display. Was she excited? Or nervous? Déjà vu. She had the same feeling 14 years 4 months ago.
The same giggling maidens, the same celebration and the same festivity had engulfed Mithila, the kingdom of King Janaka. In her chamber, beautifully adorned with antiques and mirrors, her mother looked at her. Her pretty little girl was big now. Big enough to be married off to her prince. In her mother’s eyes, she was the prettiest thing on earth.
She rubbed off the corner of her right eye and put a black little dot behind Urmila’s right ear, “May the Lord save you from the evil eye.” With tears of joy trickling down her eyes, she said, “Go my daughter, go and have a wonderful life with the prince of Ayodhya. Be the same doting daughter in your new house the way you were to us. Be with your husband, by his side, come what may.”
The blowing of the trumpets overpowered the other noises announcing the arrival of the royal family. Lakshmana had arrived to take away his bride. Walking on petals of red roses through her grand palace entrance decorated like never before, she could see the tall and lean prince standing at the end of the entrance. Dressed in wheatish-brown ensemble, he waited with a radiant smile on his face. An embodiment of beauty with her head held high but eyes lowered, she walked slowly and gracefully towards Lakshmana.
She looked at her ring, the little sparkling jewel that bonded her lord and her together. She recalled his words when he gifted the star to her. “The star is a symbol of eternity. You won’t have to look out of the balcony to look at the twinkling stars. You have one right here in your hands,” he said holding Urmila’s right hand in his. She let out a shiver. Never had a man touched her before. Yet, this felt good. “You are my beloved wife Urmi, and I promise to live for an eternity with you.”
As she lay lifelessly on her bed, tears rolled down the side of her eyes as stared at the ceiling incessantly. Her eyes burned. Her heart ached. There were too many things going on in her mind. Her 14 years of loneliness were tumbling down on her all of a sudden. Her defence system had been great all this while. She had learnt to cope with grief, loneliness and sadness. She had been exceptionally strong all this time. What happened now? Why did she feel so weak?
Vulnerable. Vulnerable was what she felt.
She blinked her eyes, letting the tears wet the bed underneath her. She exercised her brains to think about the last time when she hadn’t cried. The last time when her eyes weren’t moist. She failed to remember.
“Brother Rama is leaving for vanvas, Urmi. Sita ma is also accompanying him.”
“What? Our brother Rama? Why him? What could he have possibly done that he is exiled?”
“Urmi Urmi..calm down..settle down..Father has ordered brother to do so. Everything is baseless. It is not fair. But brother is adamant. He is leaving with bhabhi ma tomorrow morning.”
“I feel so sad for didi. I will go and sit with her. She must be uncontrollable right now.”
“Urmi, I need to tell you somethi...”
“And I think you should go and sit with bro...”
“Urmi, I am going with them!”
“.....with brother. He may need to talk to y...”, she stopped half-way. All her animated talk came to a dead still. Her hands stopped mid-air and her eyes were big as ever. Shock could be read on her face. “You are going with them?”
“Yes, my beloved. Although father is not right in sending him away, there is no point in fighting it. Brother has been like a father to me. I have grown up in his shadow. This is the time when I can repay him. Bhabhi is like my mother. I think this is the least I can do for my parents,” he said with moist eyes.
“But dev, it is 14 years! You cannot do that! It is his vanvas. Please don’t go..” she held him tightly by his elbows, her sari falling off her head.
“Urmi, please calm down. There are no two ways about this”, he said with his head lowered down, “I have come to tell you, not ask.”
“Dev, I am coming with you. How can I stay here without you? My life is yours now”, she said decidedly, wiping her tears and turning back to take off her jewellery.
“You can’t come with us. Please understand. It is a vanvas. Life is not easy there.”
She flared her nostrils. She couldn’t believe what he just said. She turned back, “I stay here for the luxuries of the palace? No, I stay here because I love you dev. I wish to come with you because I cannot think of a day without you, forget 14 years! Why can bhabhi go with brother and I can’t come with you?”
“You are acting unreasonable, Urmila”
“How else should I react? It is his vanvas, not yours. I am not asking you to stay back, am I? All I am asking is, you take me along.”
“But Urmi, life is going to be diff..”
“So it is fine with me. It is my choice. It’s my choice to live with you wherever I want. I want to go with you. Even if it is a forest, as long as I am with you, I have no qualms.”
“My duty is to take care of brother and bhabhi. If you come, it will become difficult for me to fulfill my duties and I want you to stay here”, he said banging his fist on the wooden table. “Mother will be alone, Urmi. Please take care of our home and mother. They need you.”
She still remembered the anger in his eyes. Every single sentence of the conversation ringed in her ears as if it was just yesterday. She still remembered how she pleaded and begged for him to take her too. She cried till her eyes were swollen red. That night, she lay in his arms on their bed still crying. Lakshmana, too, couldn’t control his tears.
He held her chin up and said, “Urmila, you are my wife. I have loved you truly. And I promise to be yours till my last breath. The fact that you are not coming right now with me is not because I don’t love you. I love you immensely. But the forest is not a good place. I cannot let you live there. You are made to live in joy.” He rested his head in her bosom and whispered, “Forgive me please. My dharma compels me to put my parents before my personal joy.”
All Urmila could do was whimper and swallow back her tears. Her heart ached. She wanted to scream and tear her hair off. Yet, all she could do is bend down to take her husband in her arms for one last time. She let out a silent prayer that time would stop right there and the dreaded morning would never come.
Lakshmana, too, prayed the same.
What was she feeling? She didn’t know.
She came out of her reverie as the chattering on the streets grew intensely. Urmila didn’t want to be a part of the celebration. All she wanted was someone to be part of her grief.
Her grief, which never seemed to end.
When Rama, Lakshmana and Sita left, she felt sorrow come tumbling down in her heart. The truth was that the dark clouds of despair made their permanent abode over the royal region of Ayodhya. Families were displaced. King Dashratha couldn’t bear the pain of seeing his beloved children walk away from him without even questioning his judgement. His heart gave way. Mother Kaushalya and mother Sumitra stayed confined to their chambers, away from the world, crying. They refused to eat or indulge in any of the worldly activities. Bharata and Shatrughan were thrown into adulthood in minutes. Owing to the troubled times and sudden fall of responsibilities, distance between Shatrughan and Shrutkirti increased and so did the aloofness between Bharata and Mandavi. The guilt in the minds of Bharata and Shatrughan didn’t allow them to live in joy and happiness. Bharata refused to take the throne because it wasn’t rightfully his. His conscience didn’t allow him to betray his immense love for brother Rama.
The worst affected was mother Kaikeyi. She cried and never stopped. She begged for forgiveness from king Dashratha but neither could she save his life nor could she bring back Rama nor could she bring back the sanctity of the kingdom. All she wanted was her son to rule Ayodhya. She hadn’t foreseen the other consequences. She hadn’t foreseen widowhood. She cursed herself. She was driving herself to insanity.
Days after days passed but somehow the years never seemed to end. The maidens gossiped amongst themselves wondering about Urmila’s character. “Sita devi happily left all the worldly pleasures and accompanied her lord. How selfless. But what was Urmila devi thinking by choosing to stay back in the riches of the palace?” they would giggle in their chambers. Urmila could feel those words stab her in her heart each day.
This was not the fate she had decided. “Why did I let brother Rama decide my fate?” she regretted each night in her tiny room after serving her family, selflessly, all day long. She knew it wasn’t brother Rama’s fault and that he too was suffering the loss of being away from home. She knew brother Rama had nothing to do with her present state of misery. But her anger had compromised with her rational being.
Urmila couldn’t understand who suffered the biggest loss in this drama. Was it Sita didi who had to leave all the worldly pleasures and depart to the forests after just four months of her wedding, yet with her lord by her side? Or was it she, herself who could live in the comforts of the palace with her sisters and family being one in her anguish, but without her lord for 14 unending years?
She blinked her eyes rapidly for they burnt now. As if the 14 years weren’t enough, recalling them in bits and pieces was slowly killing her. The door knocked. She silently thanked the Gods for saving her in time. The door opened and entered a frail yet sturdy man. Unkempt and long hair, moist and red eyes, white dhoti, thin hands and legs. Urmila quickly adjusted her sari, wiped her tears and looked at the man in his eyes. “Who are you? Whom do you want to meet?” she demanded.
The man kept walking towards her. Confused, she moved back. When she couldn’t move anymore, she stretched out her hand to push the man behind. She yelled, “Who are you? Who let you in? Guards, guards!!” she screamed.
The man took her in his arms and pressed her against his body. It didn’t take long for Urmila to realise, “Dev, it is you? Oh good Lord!” She bent down to touch his feet. He held her up mid-way, kissed her on her forehead and said, “I have missed you Urmi. Every single day, all I could think about is how you must be doing.”
“You look so pale. Dev, I couldn’t recognise you.”
“As if you have been taking good care of yourself. Look at you, my beloved. Even if the wind blows, you will fall”, he said, holding her close to himself.
Outside, the firecrackers burst. Every house was lighted with candles and lamps. Sweet and scented smell absorbed the air. Decorated with flowers and garlands, Ayodhya was celebrating Diwali, rejoicing the return of Rama from his vanvas. Yet, all that mattered to Urmila was the return of her lord. The heavens and the earth met in the joy of their unison.
They held each other for an eternity.
Urmila’s vanvas thus ended.
