The Case of Missing Identity

"Your friends rule your life"
– That’s one of the headlines I read in the Sunday Times of India.

Intrigued, I read more. The research says that “who you are, how you feel and what you do, all of it depends a great deal on whom you are friends with. They determine how happy you are, what your weight is, how faithful you are to your spouse and how moral or immoral you act generally.”
I agree with it one hundred percent (whether it’s true or not, I don’t know but I agree, yes) Our happiness does depend on our friends. Not on how loving and supportive they are. Not on their levels of understanding and empathy. Our happiness depends on how much money they have. If they have less than us, then we are happier than we would ideally be if they had more money than us.

I know it isn’t exactly rocket science. But it’s nice to have some evidence to back you up what you have intuitively felt for years :)

No matter how rich or successful we have become, it is still not enough if our friends are richer and more successful. It doesn’t matter how much money we make; there will always be a niggling feeling of dissatisfaction if our friends have a higher disposable income than ours.
Sad but true.
But then, how could it possibly be otherwise? Peer pressure being what it is, all of us measure our success by the successes (and failures) of our friends. And as long as we are doing a tad better than them, we feel good about ourselves. After all, its all relative (and about relatives), right?

Friends provide a baseline for all sorts of comparisons. They influence our thinking, shape our lives, hell, they even determine our shapes.

If our friends are into healthy eating and exercising, we will probably be shamed into doing the same. Nobody wants to be the only blimp in a group of thin people. Likewise, if they gorge on vast quantities of fast food while slumped on the sofa in front of the TV, then we will also feel no embarrassment in doing the same. And then before we say McDonalds, all of us will be shopping for elasticised trousers and extra large t-shirts together!

I think the logic behind this is that eating with greedy people triggers our greed impulse as well. Or maybe, we just eat more and faster before the other person finishes it off. Like how I behave when I share food with my food-inhaling brother.

Friends have a nasty knack of showing up all our flaws and imperfections. Tall friends make us feel short; short friends make us feel like pillars on the street; fair friends make us feel dark; dark friends make us feel like pale, white ghosts; fashionable friends make us feel dowdy.

This influence goes on to a deeper level in real life. The moral codes that we live by are also reinforced by the ones closest to us. If they think nothing of cheating on their spouses – if they even boast about it, then we may well be more inclined to give up on marital fidelity. If they think nothing of taking or giving bribes, of adopting corrupt practices in businesses, then it is that much harder for you to stay honest. If they routinely lie and cheat about matters big and small, then we are more likely to do so as well. After all, if everybody is doing it, can it really be so bad? (Short answer: yes, it can but that will be another post altogether!)
On the other hand, if our friend circle takes pride in being honest, in paying taxes on time, not being part of the black economy, trying to stay on the right side of the law, then we may probably stay on the straight and narrow road as well (even if it is for the fear of being socially ostracised)

The truth of the matter is that our company helps us rein in our worst impulses. Or they can encourage us to give in to our basest appetites. It all depends on what type they are.

Maybe it’s all true. Maybe it’s not. Still, that doesn’t mean that such surveys get published in the Sunday papers!

One minus Some is still One.

Loneliness and Aloneness: although similar in meaning in the dictionaries, there is a vast difference between the implications of these two words in real life.

Loneliness is a negative state of mind. Aloneness is positive. Loneliness is a state of mind when you are constantly missing the other. Aloneness is when you are constantly delighted in yourself, with yourself. Loneliness is miserable, aloneness is blissful. Loneliness is always worried, missing something, hankering for something, desiring for something. Aloneness is deep fulfilment, tremendously content, happy and celebrating.

In loneliness, you are off-centre. In aloneness you are rooted and centered. Aloneness is beautiful. It has elegance around it, a grace, a climate of tremendous satisfaction. Loneliness is beggarly, with no grace.

Loneliness is dependence. Aloneness is sheer independence.

I strongly believe that one should first come to terms with one’s own loneliness before entering into a relationship (And when I say ‘relationship’, I do not just mean boyfriend-girlfriend. EVERY relation is a relationship) This loneliness has to be transformed into aloneness. Only then will one be capable of moving into a deep enriching relationship.

Moving into a relationship to overcome loneliness means exploiting the other. The other becomes a means to satisfy you. And when you yourself can’t be enough for yourself, there’s hardly anything anyone else can do for you. You will use the other and everybody resents being used, because no man is here to become a means for anybody else. Every man is an end unto himself. Nobody is here to be used like a thing; everybody is here to be worshipped like a king. Nobody is here to fulfil anybody else’s expectations; everybody is here just to be himself.

Important to remember is that when you move from your loneliness to fall in a relationship, then that somebody will be in the same plight. Because no man who is really living his aloneness will be attracted towards you.

First become alone.

First start enjoying yourself.

First become so authentically happy that if somebody may fail to provide that happiness to you, it doesn’t matter.

Become full and overflowing yourself and then move into a relationship.

Birdy's and Buddies..Just what one needs when growing old...

A perfectly un-eventful day, Sunday, when my sister-in-law proposed that we should step out of the house and chill out for sometime. This was in an effort to escape a few uninvited guests who decided to barge into our house. We ran without wasting a nano-second, of course! : ) An hour of mindless window shopping and reading random books in Landmark, we decided to come home because not showing our faces at all would be outright rude.

We opened the door expecting to see three dropped faces and two happily talking relatives. All I could experience was 20-odd happy faces and one shocked face. Mine. And why wouldn’t I be? Who expects a surprise birthday party at 8 pm on the previous day, anyway?!

Bowls of food were passing by me. Beverages were flowing by in abundance. Cake, the delicious, yummy cake was lying on the table calling out to me to eat it up. Dessert was all well arranged-for. And all this planning happened right under my nose. I didn’t even get the slightest of hint! All planned by my sister and brother and supported by mom and dad. The planning had been on since a week and everybody had been surprisingly mum about it. My sister thought I would get a hint of it. Fortunately, I disappointed her. I was happily oblivious to all the activities happening around me. Benefits of being dumb, you see...

Over and above the obvious, I was so glad to come home to happiness, in the literal sense, that evening. Here I was, dreading another birthday, more memory lapses and more knee pains and here there were my people helping me forget all of that!

It was so overwhelming to see Sri and Saumil laughing all throughout the evening and handling all the work just so that I could enjoy my day with my friends. Sri co-ordinated everything right from the cake to the food to my friends. Though not explicitly, Saumil did everything to help Sri put everything in place. And yes, he was in charge of the pizzas (like Phoebe was in charge of the cups !!) Half an hour into the party, EVERYBODY was made aware of the fact! Mom and dad, I can’t thank them enough for everything.

Chirag took an early off from his work just to be there for me, with me. The fact that he did anything outside of the regular is more than what he can do for anybody. So I am thoroughly touched by the gesture. Thanks a ton, my dear one!

Ankit was, is and will always be a sweetheart. Never has he backed out on any plan since, dunno, can’t even count. I am sure getting that big fat gift for me must have been a tiresome chore for him. Thanks so much Ankit! : )

Kunal turned up for this! That’s reason enough to thank him. No, but seriously, you have always made it for all these random celebrations. Can’t believe I am actually calling you sweet!

Gauri, the love of my life and the photographer for the evening, has always been there for me. She’s family now. And not to forget, her umbrella has made its presence felt at every meeting. It has an identity of its own now. Thanks Gauru and Latika for travelling from another part of this world. Latika and Bishnu, so sweet of both of you to come for me with next day working. You people added to the evening’s charm. And I will never forget our little party post-party. The adventures with the bag and the balls, hilarious man!

Pranav, Anurag and Pooja were a surprise package of the evening. I least expected to see them. I guess this explains the shocked and surprised look on my face. Su aunty, uncle and Aarti were kind enough to be with us all through the evening providing us with food and chairs from time to time. Esha joined in later and hence, she got all the attention. Because by then we all were free and had nothing to do except force her to eat more. Sushma aunty and uncle came at half-time but they came. And that’s all that matters.

The icing on the cake was the maid. Seeing her at the end of the party was more like a birthday present to mom and Sri!

When all I could see, was people enjoying and chatting amongst themselves and the triumphant look on my family’s face, I just knew that I am the luckiest girl on earth. When I can confidently know that I have even 10 people whom I can count on at any time of the day, any day of the year to be by my side for whatever, whatsoever, I really feel bloated with joy. And in my mind, I let off a sneer to all those who have 1000 friends on Facebook! My army of 10 is enough.

The only problem I faced that evening was when I had to blow the candle on my cake. I didn’t have anything to wish for. Coz everything I ever would have wanted, needed or asked for was there in the room with me....