FB...and other drugs

The 72 year old woman walked into the ‘Facebook Addiction’ therapist’s office only to see that there was no place for her to sit. The room was fully occupied – old, young and even kids! She knew she would have to spend good time in the waiting room for her turn. She glanced over at the next room in the building, labelled ‘Smoking Addiction’ and wished she had a smoking problem for there were only two patients there and ample place to sit.

She walked into the room, passing by the crowd that was staring with wide eyes; either into the blank walls or into the screens of their smart phones. A young fellow with an over-grown beard and never-combed hair handed his seat to the old woman saying, “I am too anxious to sit anyway. I found nurses, engineers and technicians for my city. But I still don't have a contractor."

Next to her was a young boy in his early teens frantically shaking his legs. She asked him why he was so nervous and he said, “Before I left home to come here, I updated my status…it’s been 45 minutes since and nobody has ‘liked’ it yet…I really need to figure out what happened…why is this happening to me?!”

The woman said with a smile, “I know the feeling. When I started out on Facebook, I used to put up funny status updates, you know the kinds that are LOL-worthy…but there were times when none of my friends ‘liked’ my updates. So I returned the favour by not ‘liking’ their pictures. It’s okay. It will be all right.”

“You seem to be very mature. Why are you here anyway?”

“To kick off habits my family doesn't approve of…sigh..”

“How did it all start with you?”

“My best friend from college, all her fault…her son introduced her to Facebook and she sent me an invitation. I wasn't even aware of such a thing before!”

“And then you were hooked?”

“Oh yes! I created my profile and before I knew it, I found myself on Facebook more than five times a day…and more times at night. You see I have friends from other time zones so there are many updates to catch up on. My husband doesn't approve much of it. He doesn't like the light flashing in his eyes in our dark room in the night.”

“Why don’t you try hiding inside the blanket? I used to do that with my small TV to watch football, till my mother caught me…”

“Son, we all get caught”, she said with a contemplative look, “Why do you think I am here?”

“Why do you like it so much?”

“It makes me forget my personal problems. Everyone is so happy on Facebook. They are always attending parties and wearing colourful clothes. Nobody has a job or stress. It’s like I am living a Karan Johar film.

Also, this year I had the best birthday ever! So many people posted on my wall. Some even sent me a cake on Facebook. But I am upset at those who didn't wish me. I mean, it’s on Facebook. What excuse do you have for forgetting?! ”

“True. Say, how many friends do you have?”

“In the real world, I have 8 friends but on Facebook, I have 732. It makes me feel social and wanted. I am even friends with Mayank Shetty”

“Who’s he?”

“Dunno. But he’s got more than 2000 friends, so must be famous.”

“That’s true. Making connections is the best part about Facebook. I know exactly what’s happening in the life of my school classmate and her newest boyfriend. Not that we are great friends but it feels special to be informed.”

“Yeah, yeah…even I connect to my girls from school and college. I hadn't heard from them in decades but now it is good to know who’s working, who’s retired, who’s still beautiful, who’s not…I love browsing through their profiles and pictures…I have even copied from their profiles. Apparently they have seen all the latest movies and read all the latest novels. They even have great political and religious views. Impressive stuff!”

“Do you do anything besides checking others’ profiles?”

“Of course I do! I play a lot of games on Facebook.”

“Yeah. Like Cityville and Farmville?”

“No, Warlords. I am ‘the Undead’. Nobody messes with me!”

“Don’t you go out and meet people?”

“Nah..that’s too much work. It’s easier on Facebook, no need to put on make-up or look good…no need to take a bath or put on perfume. Everybody looks so pretty on Facebook because they put up only their best profile pictures. One of my girls is using a picture where none of her blemishes are visible. Go Instagram!”

“Which profile picture are you using?”

“I spent a lot of time looking for a good picture but I realized I didn't have any Facebook-worthy picture. You see in my times, we used to take pictures for memories…not for getting approval of others. So I had to get out of my house and go to the nearest beauty parlour.”

“To make yourself prettier?”

“Yeah, that too. I also took a picture with two of the most beautiful girls there. That’s the picture I am using. With those two beauties flanking me, nobody notices me and I get all the likes.”

“It’s all going good for you. Why is Facebook a problem then?”

“Last weekend, when I was on Facebook, I saw a message on my wall from my son: “Just thought you should know Ma, we have moved out of the house couple of days ago.”

“Oh my god! Then?”

“What else?! I unfriended him, of course!”