Lately, I have been getting a feeling of uncontrollable anxiety. For no good reason, when I run into a boy and/or man, I start running in the other direction frantically with my hands raised in the air. I have also stopped functioning normally because I have noticed that I keep staring into my computer endlessly and even work slower than it does!
I gave going to the psychiatrist a thought, but learnt that the solution was at home. Because the problem was also there! My family worked on me and figured out that the symptoms I showed were of a troubled childhood.
The fear of marriage would be an exaggerated phrase. I am not afraid of it. I simply, I repeat, run in the opposite direction frantically with my hands raised up in the air. And not without reason. Let me explain from where I have developed the fear of the unknown (or the known, in this case)
Let’s give the reasons some names. For now, to make things simple, let’s hypothetically name them my mom, my dad, my bhabhi and my brother.
My mom and dad will soon celebrate their 30th anniversary. Yes, it’s been three whole decades since they stood in front of family and friends, looked into each other’s eyes and thought, “Who is this person?” After spending 30 years together and raising two children, at least one thing is clear, they still don’t know each other.
But theirs was an arranged marriage. What amuses me is that my brother and bhabhi, who arranged for a love marriage 2 years back, too, look at each other with the “Do I know you?” look.
And they sure don’t know each other. If they did, my bhabhi wouldn’t get annoyed whenever she finds my brother in his ill-fitting shorts on the couch on Sunday afternoon. If my dad knew my mom well, he wouldn’t be waiting patiently for her outside the mall when she is shopping. He would have simply rented a tow truck and used the hooks and chains to pull her out.
Despite not knowing each other, my mom and dad have somehow managed to stay married and together for 30 years. It may not be a big thing for those married for a good 50 years but it is truly amazing for my brother and bhabhi that they are still together. What is even more amazing for them is that my mom and dad still occasionally talk to each other.
It may sound a bit of an exaggeration but it’s not because just a month back, my brother and bhabhi spoke to each other. He asked, “Our anniversary is coming up. How do you want to celebrate it?” And she said, “I would like to try out the new Chinese restaurant in our neighbourhood. Do you want me to bring something home for you?”
My parents have been explaining the tricks of the trade to my brother and bhabhi whenever time permits. They revealed that the key to their successful marriage was my brother and me. Thanks to us, they never got to speak a lot to each other. With my brother and me being 10 and 6, at any given point of time one of us was singing and the other was screaming.
However, they also pointed out that with children around, they couldn’t have affectionate conversations. So they developed a special code (which they say happens very naturally during a marriage). Whenever mom wants to say “I love you”, she would say, “Are you watching your stupid CNBC again?” And whenever dad wants to say “I love you”, he would say, “So how many pairs of shoes do you need anyway?”
I must say, that my mom and my dad love each other tremendously, considering the number of times they have said it each day.
My mom and dad have evolved and matured slowly and gradually. Not like my brother and bhabhi. Two years into marriage and they are already able to communicate without saying a word to each other. For example, if my brother is on the couch watching a cricket match and a pumpkin lands on his head, he knows that my bhabhi needs help in the kitchen.
Marriage is all about special codes and romantic nothings. In spite of the bloodshed at home, my heart warms when I see my dad and brother feel incomplete, anxious, frenzied and clueless at a social function without their other halves by their side.
I guess, the brutality hidden underneath too has a special charm to it.
No wonder the Carpenters have said,
“We’ll find a place where there is room to grow...
...coz, we’ve only just begun...”
Interesting Priyam, it seems like you were describing my parents' marriage too! I totally identify with what you said in the beginning about running in the opposite direction with hands in the air, lol!
ReplyDeletehmmmm...profound....u seem to have done a lot of research....
ReplyDeleteOh my God! This is blasphemy.
ReplyDeleteAs it is my job, I will deny all this. But thou art too brilliant and even people part of this story cannot deny that. :)
Priyam, you prob won't belive it but I know exactly what you are talking about and i could write a complete thesis on the idea of marriage and how it sits with me - all wrt to my family. our parents stay together only for us, their kids. if it hadn;t been for me and my bro, my parents would have separated a long time back, in fact i remembered the home situation going so bad, i suggested the divorce. I have gone one step ahead of you, see? But I suppose if you find the right person eventually, it all works out, and because this is too small a space to talk about these things (and bcos its too personal) i will stop here. Thanks for writing this :) I know now someone went through what i did too. Love ya! --Neha Malude
ReplyDeletei mean "a" divorce and i got the believe spelling wrong. :P:P
ReplyDeleteNice way of describing this institution 'marriage'.I think you have observed them(characters,hypothetical) very intricately.Good work Priyam.
ReplyDeleteGood one!
ReplyDelete@ Aastha: I made mom and dad read this and they just made an innocent face as if they have never behaved like this :P I guess your parents will give the same reaction if they were to read this..
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, our parents - I understand, but how do you explain the same behavior pattern for my brother and bhabhi ??!!:P
@ Gauru: Blog Courtesy: My home :)
ReplyDeleteThat's where I get all my research done :)
@ Atul Sir: Thank you so much! :)
@ Sri: Blasphemy ! Lol..nice choice of words...so you don't agree with the part about 'ill-fitting shorts' and 'the anniversary celebrations' ? You really don't ?
ReplyDelete@ All: That's my bhabhi for you ! :D
@ Neha: Oh my dear dear friend, we need to meet up some day and discuss our domestic troubles once :P
ReplyDeleteEarlier when I was small, I used to be really affected (read: traumatised) by their affectionate conversations. Now, my brother and I simply book the balcony seats for the show-down.
And who cares about the spelling mistakes Neha..I think we troubled children are allowed to make some :D
@ Shashaank: I have put in a lot of years of research for this post but yes, all of these are hypothetical characters. The names 'mom', 'dad', 'brother' and 'bhabhi' are only for demonstration purposes :P
ReplyDeletegood one...i think its d same with all the parents...surely your future too!!
ReplyDeletebang on with the ill fitting shorts and anivesary celebrations...but the "do i know you look ?" is a little away from truth i think... it should be more like "better stay out of my way look "/....
ReplyDeleteheeehawwww :D pumpkin landing on head!
ReplyDelete:) I laaikke.. U r such a brilliant writer.. :)~Simi Kuriakose
ReplyDeleteYour bhabhi actually said "...Do you want me to bring something home for you?” on their anniversary?!... must say your family has some killer females.. god save the men! :)..
ReplyDeletewell written.. story of every home written in a subtly humorous way... keep it up..