(T)rick(Y) Business

Travelling on the roads of a city like Mumbai or Ahmedabad can be an eye-opener. It makes one realise the importance of his life. Statistics have even been revised to push smoking down to the number two spot in the list of ‘What Might Kill you Today’.

While I was in one of the death rides in an auto (rickshaw, as we call it) with my little brother, we swerved through in between two cars, overtook them and took a u-turn from the second lane during a red signal. Before sitting in the rickshaw, I remember (and now regret) asking the driver to ‘move it’ since we didn’t want to miss our appointment at the dentist. He sure kept his promise. While I dug inside my bag looking for change and also trying to keep my electrically-charged hair out of my face, I could see my younger brother gaping proudly at the driver. He seemed to be contemplating how awesome it would be to become a rickshaw driver. Ambitious, the little one!

He later told me how he would become a rickshaw driver and rule the roads, cruise around the city, all the whilst blowing his horn constantly and charging regular non-smart citizens twice the normal fare. I let him continue because I didn’t have the heart to break the little one’s heart. I couldn’t come to telling him that he would have a tough time becoming an auto driver unless he works hard and stays focussed. If not for these factors, he will never be able to make it through the auto-driving school.

For instance, I really don’t think everybody has the ability to start the vehicle, make it go forward a few miles and then, say with a straight face “Meter not working”.

Rickshaw drivers also have a unique ability to make use of their limbs. The hands are not just to steer the vehicle and simultaneously honk the horn but also to rub them gleefully on spotting a tourist. One may wonder why the rickshaw driver is stretching his legs in the midst of the journey. When he does it more-than-often, you will realise that he is actually giving the “I am going to turn right now jackasses” or “Steer out of my way because I am going to take a left even though I am in the right-most lane” signal to the vehicles behind him.

To claim eligibility for the auto-driving course, he would also need to know how to take a u-turn on a one-way street or how to turn a 3-km ride to the shopping mall in a distant eastern suburb into an all-India tour. He will have to (again) keep a straight face and convince the passenger that he does in fact know the route and that he is not going in circles.

Once, the basics are done with, it is important to move on to the advanced stage lest you want the other rickshaw drivers to overtake you in this competitive world and be able to cheat more passengers than you do. That you have passed the basics means the course has accepted you. Smile and now learn how to maximise your earnings. Over a period of time, you will learn how to turn the meter on and off while the passenger thinks you are simply brushing the dust off it. While one part of the course teaches you how to make the meter run faster, the other teaches you how to say ‘meter not working” in 18 languages.

The course also teaches aspiring rickshaw drivers to improve fuel economy by turning off the engines when stuck in traffic or using hands as paddles during the monsoons.

A special ‘Personality Detection’ intensive programme has also been incorporated. It helps the driver to size up each potential customer and to determine how much money they will be ready to part with. This helps them start with a very high figure and reduce it by a third or even half, depending on the customer - how big his nose blows up and how much steam comes out of his ears.

When all of these levels are passed successfully, last comes the part where the driver learns to decorate his rickshaw with flowers, stickers, cheesy sayings, lipstick marks on the rear mirror and pictures of movie stars and gods as well as movie stars who act like gods. This activity saves him a lot of time and energy. It saves him that trip to the temple where he prays for more business, “My wife wants a new sari and my son wants a new cricket bat. Please bring me a rich tourist today, dear Sachin.”