The Case of Missing Identity

"Your friends rule your life"
– That’s one of the headlines I read in the Sunday Times of India.

Intrigued, I read more. The research says that “who you are, how you feel and what you do, all of it depends a great deal on whom you are friends with. They determine how happy you are, what your weight is, how faithful you are to your spouse and how moral or immoral you act generally.”
I agree with it one hundred percent (whether it’s true or not, I don’t know but I agree, yes) Our happiness does depend on our friends. Not on how loving and supportive they are. Not on their levels of understanding and empathy. Our happiness depends on how much money they have. If they have less than us, then we are happier than we would ideally be if they had more money than us.

I know it isn’t exactly rocket science. But it’s nice to have some evidence to back you up what you have intuitively felt for years :)

No matter how rich or successful we have become, it is still not enough if our friends are richer and more successful. It doesn’t matter how much money we make; there will always be a niggling feeling of dissatisfaction if our friends have a higher disposable income than ours.
Sad but true.
But then, how could it possibly be otherwise? Peer pressure being what it is, all of us measure our success by the successes (and failures) of our friends. And as long as we are doing a tad better than them, we feel good about ourselves. After all, its all relative (and about relatives), right?

Friends provide a baseline for all sorts of comparisons. They influence our thinking, shape our lives, hell, they even determine our shapes.

If our friends are into healthy eating and exercising, we will probably be shamed into doing the same. Nobody wants to be the only blimp in a group of thin people. Likewise, if they gorge on vast quantities of fast food while slumped on the sofa in front of the TV, then we will also feel no embarrassment in doing the same. And then before we say McDonalds, all of us will be shopping for elasticised trousers and extra large t-shirts together!

I think the logic behind this is that eating with greedy people triggers our greed impulse as well. Or maybe, we just eat more and faster before the other person finishes it off. Like how I behave when I share food with my food-inhaling brother.

Friends have a nasty knack of showing up all our flaws and imperfections. Tall friends make us feel short; short friends make us feel like pillars on the street; fair friends make us feel dark; dark friends make us feel like pale, white ghosts; fashionable friends make us feel dowdy.

This influence goes on to a deeper level in real life. The moral codes that we live by are also reinforced by the ones closest to us. If they think nothing of cheating on their spouses – if they even boast about it, then we may well be more inclined to give up on marital fidelity. If they think nothing of taking or giving bribes, of adopting corrupt practices in businesses, then it is that much harder for you to stay honest. If they routinely lie and cheat about matters big and small, then we are more likely to do so as well. After all, if everybody is doing it, can it really be so bad? (Short answer: yes, it can but that will be another post altogether!)
On the other hand, if our friend circle takes pride in being honest, in paying taxes on time, not being part of the black economy, trying to stay on the right side of the law, then we may probably stay on the straight and narrow road as well (even if it is for the fear of being socially ostracised)

The truth of the matter is that our company helps us rein in our worst impulses. Or they can encourage us to give in to our basest appetites. It all depends on what type they are.

Maybe it’s all true. Maybe it’s not. Still, that doesn’t mean that such surveys get published in the Sunday papers!